Downward Slope of the Mind

So I was sitting at home one day and thought "Hey. I used to have a blog in college. I wonder if it still exists." Yes it does indeed still exist and, unfortunately, covers the two years after college as well. I've read through several of my old posts and I still enjoy the ones from my college days. Granted I have never written about much other than random musings or daily adventures, but I can recollect those moments. Now flash forward to the post college posts and I can see the steady decline in my writing. The way it began to curl in on itself and become too self absorbed. Also my spelling and grammar were quite horrific as well. As I think about the two years after I left college and read these posts, I realized something. These posts couldn't cause me recollect any moments or feel anything in particular. What I noticed was the state of my mind at that point. As I read, I noticed myself creeping deeper and deeper into a melancholic state. Even when in my writing I was talking about a significant other or how happy I was, it did not translate as happiness. It translated as a plea to convince myself that I was happy. I know that at that point in my life I thought that I was indeed happy, however, I know now that I wasn't. I will admit that I have had and continue to have my fair share of battles with the demons Anxiety and Depression. I noticed that in the two years after college things were quite bad. I notice in my writing that I was angry quite often and actually ranted about being angry with others a couple of times. Now I'm not saying that I never get angry, believe me I do, but I don't exist in a state of anger. I've spent a lot of time since college driving down the wrong roads. It's been 7 years (I feel a bit old realizing this) since I left college and I notice that in the 5 years post college I journeyed through several different stages of being. I grew up being very reserved and withdrawn. I think that in 5 years I managed to go through all the stages that most people get out of their system in high school. I would like to think that I have grown to be a bit of a better person since then. In the last two years I've managed to stay at a steady job working with the State Parks of Arkansas. I enjoy my job and the people that meet through my job. I am finally getting my wheels back in the right direction. I will say that the only regrets I have are the people I have lost along the way to this point. Not the ones that I didn't need but the ones that I let fade away. I think in my reflections today I would like to take away the idea of keeping in touch and not letting people get lost in the ride.